Have a Sexual Check-in and Learn Your Lover’s Sexual Initiation Language
Having check-ins allows you to get a broader picture of your sex life, it’s about trying to understand one another as sexual beings so that you can cultivate a great sex life together. Just as there are different love languages, there are also different “initiation languages” when it comes to sex. It’s important that you and your partner discuss this and learn what each other’s preferred initiation language is so that you can approach one another in a way that you’ll both be receptive to. For example, some would prefer to be approached physically, while others rather have verbal or emotional initiation. Sometimes, being asked directly “Do you want to have sex?” can set the mood, while others may find that it can take the passion and curiosity out of the moment. The more you understand each other, and the more you know about their personal preferences and boundaries, the better you’ll feel at creating more spontaneous initiations.
Try Mixing Up Your Initiation Strategy
After all, there isn’t just one way to initiate sex! Research finds that people don’t always pick up on their partners’ initiation cues, which means that sometimes a partner is initiating, but the other isn’t recognizing it. Some initiation attempts can also be perceived as irritating or annoying—so sometimes we inadvertently turn our partners off because we’re not approaching sex in a way that gets them going. Try different things and figure out what your partner does and does not respond to.
Initiation attempts can involve:
- Verbal requests
- Sexting
- Intimate touch
- Use of nudity (e.g., walking out of the bedroom naked), and more
Expand Your Sex Menu
Sex doesn’t always have to mean intercourse and orgasms. To prevent things from getting boring, it’s good to switch things up every once in a while. Create a sex menu with your partner where you write down what you’re into or would be up for trying.
Make sure you include ways to be intimate that don’t involve intercourse, such as:
- A sensual massage
- Reading an erotic story together
- Take a long hot bath together
Expanding your definition of sexual activities to include other forms of connection and intimacy should help bring you and your lover closer and lead to easier, playful initiations.
Initiate at Different Times of the Day
Sometimes we’re out of sync when we initiate, which again goes back to the importance of really understanding one another sexually. Your partner might be hornier in the morning, while you might find yourself more aroused in the afternoon or evening.
Extend the Invitation
Initiating doesn’t have to immediately lead to sex. Consider making initiating sex a much longer experience that could start hours or days before the act of sex actually takes place. This is a great way to build anticipation and sexual desire. Just remember that your partner is not a mind reader – and those “subtle, sexy” clues aren’t always as obvious as you think!
Think about initiation as a slower process, as opposed to “let’s have sex right now!”
You (and your partner) may benefit from giving arousal time to build. Change your mindset from thinking that sex must immediately follow initiation attempts to one that is more flexible. Initiation can start earlier in the evening, earlier in the day, or earlier in the week. Let the arousal and anticipation build, and you just might find yourself having more and/or better sex.
Get Creative
If you need a little inspiration, here are some ways to bring the fun back into initiating sex, from sex educator and pleasure coach, Sara tang.
- Make it a game – There are many games that can help kickstart the mood and make initiating sex more playful. You can buy these games at an adult store or simply improvise with what you have. We’re talking naked Twister, sexy Blind Man’s Buff or Naughty Truth or Dare – the possibilities are endless.
- Send out a “sex signal” – It doesn’t have to be quite as obvious as Batman’s Bat-Signal, but establishing a sign to tell your partner you’re in the mood can make it easier to initiate intimacy – plus it’s always fun to have a secret language only you two can understand.
- Surprise package – Buy a new sex toy, lingerie, game or roleplaying costume then send your lover a picture during the day and ask if they would be interested in trying it out later. Send them a cheeky photo or leave the item on your bed for them to discover.
- Shower sex – Next time your parter is in the shower (and not in a rush!), join them. Lather up their body and see where it goes.
- A tantalising tasting – Try preparing a sexy meal together (try something simple and classic like chocolate-dipped strawberries) and proceed to feed each other in bed.
- Dance it out – Put on your favourite tune (or a sultry little number) and invite your partner to dance with you. Try grinding your hips against you partner’s and look deep into their eyes.
- Talk dirty to me – Sexting is a great way to initiate sex with your partner over a longer period and can also be used as a means to find out how your partner’s day is going to see if sex may be on the table. New to flirting over the phone? Here are some tips on how to get started.